Carolyn

Missing Piece

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 05:44:35 GMT

Current Mood: busy
In the background: The Jay Leno Show

Its been another one of those busy days. The hour that I usually have been the two jobs, I didn't have today. I was busy running errands for David. My aunt had wanted me to come over at 1:00 and reconcile her checkbook, but -- thinking I would have that time to myself, asked her if I could come over later today to do it. Looks like I wouldn't have made it over there either way.

Ran the errands, and then worked 3 hours at to the office. David and I were suposed to work on a quarterly report that due at the end of this week. But the way his phones rang, we never got to it. Looks like it was a typical Monday for every one.

I picked Ethan up from school at 5:00, dropped him off at the house and then went over to my aunt's house and worked on her checkbook for awhile. Which, in hindsite, I'm glad I did it because she did have an error. Could have caused problems if I hadn't gotten over there in a timely manner.

Home to fix supper, watch a little bit of TV with David -- and now a quick entry and off to bed. I have a couple of emails I really want to do as well, but think I'll save them for tomorrow. Hopefully, things will be a bit calmer tomorrow.

Yesterday was a busy -- but awesome day. In more ways than one. One of our boys in Ethan's Scout troop became an Eagle, and his ceremony was yesterday. It was a very nice, very impressive ceremony. The highlight of my day thought was -- Austin's Cub Master from the Cub Scout days was there. Ok. Yeah? what was the big deal about that? He was a very dear friend of mine, and we had lost touch when they moved away. In the back of my mind, I wondered whether or not he would be there -- and then dismissed the idea. He lives 5 hours away. It was a long time ago. Part of my responsibilities of yesterday was helping with the reception. So, we didn't get up to the ceremony until just a few minutes before it was to start. It just made my day to see him. He gave me a big hug, and we chatted and talked and talked some more until it was time to start. After the ceremony and reception, David and I invited him to supper before he headed back, which he accepted. Time stood still for a brief time. It was like he had never moved away. The comfortable feeling of talking and sharing all the "goings on" in our lives -- there wasn't a break in converstation, nor any awkward moments of not knowing what to say. It was all just very comfortable, and it just totally made my day. And I am determined not to lose touch again!

I also had a "lightbulb" moment as I thought about how comfortable it felt, to be talking to an old friend again. Things just seem to be "out of joint" right now. I seem to be going in circles, not able to focus or concentrate or accomplish the things I want to accomplish. I feel like I am more out of control now than I have ever been -- even though I'm not doing things even close to the level of self destruction that I used to do. I realized that -- in the past 4 to 5 years -- I have lost 3 very important "constants" in my life. Ruth has moved. John has moved. And my mom died. These 3 people played very important roles in my life. They were my support system. They were true friends, and just made me feel almost whole. When John moved, we lost contact. Ruth and I stayed in close contact -- working hard at it, and it was a very good feeling. But then some things happened last summer that I am responsible for, and the closeness is now awkward, and questionable. And I don't know how to get it back. Siting next to John yesterday, the clock turned back for just a brief moment, I felt ... like a missing piece had been put in place. It made me realize that I had been blessed in my life with 2 super wonderful friends that I had interaction with frequently, in a face to face fashion, as well as having my mom in my everyday life. And now? I have none. I have put up a wall and not allowed myself to form any close or face to face friendships to replace these 2 people. Of course there is no way to replace them, but I guess what I am trying to say is take the role of having a close friend in the same town. Or at least friendships with others. That is way is missing in my life. Replaced with a busy schedule of 2 jobs and a semi-dependent aunt. Its not a bad life, just one very different than 4 years ago.

Now that i have made this realization, maybe I can move forward. Now that I know what that missing piece is, I can change things. Or work harder at re-establishing those old friendships, even though they might be long distance. This goes beyond shopping out of control or overeating, or any of those other self destructive things I used to do, ... still do on pccasion. For the first time in a long time, I felt that sense of contentment, of peace inside. For a brief moment, but nonetheless a very cherished moment.

Blessings to all --

Bits N Pieces

Sun, 24 Apr 2005 15:53:07 GMT

It Pays To Be Nice
You hear about road rage and people doing awful things out of anger. I get angry myself.   Didn't I just do an entry a few days ago about wanting to scream?    But....for the most part, my nature is to be laid back, be considerate of others, and above all be patient. Which, in itself has its own rewards. But on occasion, I am reward materially for my patience. For my "niceness". I have gotten a coupon for a free pizza -- because when we ordered, they didn't have what we wanted. Ok. No big deal. We ordered something else. But when we went to pick it up, the manager gave me a coupon for a free pizza the next time we came in -- apparently everyone else had been rude, angry, and just downright "no nice" when they were told they couldn't get what they wanted.   She said it was nice to have someone who was "OK" with it.

Granted, there are time when you can't be a doormat, and you need to stand up for what is right. But -- not being able to get the kind of pizza you want ....   don't take it out on the people who work there.   Choose your battles, and use your anger somwhere else.

The pizza incident was a couple years ago.   Every morning, just about, I stop at this one convience store to ..... either get a cup of ice or a cup of ice and Diet Pepsi.m    Its not cubed ice. Its crushed ice, kinda.   I don't know, but I am just really hooked on it.   And if you take in your own cup, or reuse one of theirs, the ice doesn't cost anything -- and I've do that periodically as well.   But, the fact is -- I'm in there most every day.   Its usually the same girl behind the counter, and she is always friendly, and so am I.

Yesterday morning, I walked in, went over to to the fountain, and it said "Ice machine - Out of order" - or something to that effect.    They have two fountains, so I turned to the other one, settling on the cubed ice.   Same sign.   Ok. Now what do I do?   I hesitated for a minute, and then decided I'd go get a cold bottle of water or Diet Pepsi, and get ice at the church for the morning.   The girl behind the counter saw my hesistation, and before I had taken no more than a step or two, she told me try the ice machine.   That it might have frozen enough to get me a cup of it.

I smiled, and told her thank you -- and sure enough .... like manna from heaven, the ice flowed out (the GOOD ice, not the cubed ice) and I got my morning cup of ice.    As I turned around to go pay for it -- the guy comes out of the bathroom. There had been a cup on the counter there, filled to the brim with pop. No ice.   Apparently, it was his.    He looks at me and says, "oh man, where did you get the ice???" I felt really bad. I told him and I heard him mutter "well, thats nice to know AFTER I get my pop".   I felt bad because the girl behind the counter had done something nice for me .... and then it started the chain reaction of sorts.    If she had wanted to guy to know about trying the ice machine, she would have told him.    I just think she was nice to me because we frequent there so much (both David and I), and it wasn't something she would have told all her customers.    But. He got his ice. I got mine, and there wasn't anyone else in the store, so maybe that gave it a little more time to freeze -- and the sign kept everyone else away.

And today, its back in ordre:) Yeah!   I like my ice!

Not As It Seems
Don't let me fool ya though. I'm not all "nice-nice".    I have a couple of protected entrys I need to do. Emotions are lying just below the surface that I need to figure out.

Talent Show
We attended a FCCLA Talent Show last night.   The kids in Middle School that belong to FCCLA got together and put on a talent show.   We have some real talent in these kids.   Ethan didn't do a solo -- I think mostly because to do one, you need a background CD, and we've just never gone that route with him yet.   For the most part, he sings Accapello (spelling?) (i.e. without any kind of music to accompany him).   The solo he did at the vocal contest, his music teacher played the piano. So, he is "branching out". This talent show was just for fun -- to share with the parents.   On May 7th, we have a "celebration" of sorts downtown, with craft booths and a car show, and lots of other activities. And there is a talent show part there, and there is MONEY involved:)   So, we need to see what Ethan can work up.   Either that, or he's thinking they could do the duet they did at the talent show. That was pretty good.      Several people commented to us as we walked in, or were mingling afterwards, at how well Ethan did at the vocal contest.   Very confident. Very much on key.   You just see on the judge's face they like it.     I wasn't the only parent not there -- matter of fact, on a few went. But I kinda wish now we would have worked it out and gone.   His picture was in last night's paper.   I will post that in a seperate entry.

I also am going to make a new page at my web page called "In The News". Find a scrapbook type layout/graphics, and then the only things that will go there is when Ethan is in the newspaper...which seems to be fairly often.   He said he'll be in the paper again this Tuesday -- for getting Exzemplary on the State tests (50 out of the 300 kids in Middle School achieved this).    Our newspaper is "on line", so its not too hard to get it put on line. I've called them and asked permission to use their stuff on my web page, as long as I give them credit for it, and they didn't have a problem with it.

Other Notes
I have several other notes I wanted to write about -- but it is now Sunday and I still dont' have a whole lot of time. So, I'm going to "publish" this now and save those other notes for later.

A Dilemma

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 04:48:33 GMT

di�lem�ma P Pronunciation Key (d-lm)
n.

A situation that requires a choice between options that are or seem equally unfavorable or mutually exclusive.
Usage Problem. A problem that seems to defy a satisfactory solution.
Logic. An argument that presents two alternatives, each of which has the same consequence.

I am faced with making a choice. I am part of our Youth Ministry Team at church.   We meet, once a month, to make decisions and report planning efforts of the different youth programs within the church.

Last night, we had a "special" meeting -- called together for a specific reason. We hired a part time youth minister in November.   Apparently, he's not "working out".   We were all given evaluations, and the bottom line is, "he hasn't met our expectations" and there for, we are not renewing his contract.    We are though, extending it until school is out, and just let it seem like the natural progression ....that the youth programs stop for the summer.

I really don't know how to process all of this. I do know that I did step outside of my "little box" and did not go along with general consesus.   I voiced my opinion, and threw out other alternatives. And I was surprised that a few others agreed.   I may stand alone, but I think we, as a church, have let the youth minister down.   Yes, there are many many things we have asked him to do, and he's hasn't quite done them like we expected. For awhile, the Jr. High and Sr. High group were just totally out of control. But that has turned around some. We have lost some of the youth, but we still maintain a 20-25 kid average.   But not having any kind of youth program, we will lose 100%.

From an "business" standpoint, yes, I agree .... we hired him to do a job, and according to our guidelines, he hasn't fulfilled what we expected. But my heart says to keep him. He's just 21 years old. A kid himself. But he's still "mold-able". He has such a passion for our kids, and I think with time and maturity, and some organizational skills, there is real potential there.

Unfortunately, we aren't giving him that chance. His last meeting with the youth will be May 19. Ethan cried. I wanted to protect him -- not let him know what was going on. But Ethan is part of the Youth Ministry Team, and he wasn't allowed to attend this meeting, so I didn't have any choice but to fill him in on a few of the details.

My dilemma? this youth minister knows we had this meeting last night. We have worked closely together over the months, and I really do like him. He wants to know the outcome of the meeting. All instincts tell me that I shoudln't say anything. Let the Youth Ministry Team leader "fill him in" on Sunday. And yet -- he is asking me point blank. I want to tell him. But....after he's gone, I'm still here. And I am afraid of the repercusions if the elders were to find out that I discussed with him the details of the meeting.

And yet, putting myself in his shoes....I would want to know, just as he does. We knew we were having this meeting. Maybe we should have asked them to stay around so they could talk to him after the meeting. I dont' know. I'm just trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation.

The mom in me -- the "seeing good in everyone", the "give him another chance" personality I have makes this a very difficult situation to deal with.   I see so much potential in him.   Its that "catch 22" old adage -- we aren't retaining him because he doesn't have "the experience" we are looking for -- and yet, how does someone still in college gain experience?    I know I am looking at this with blinders are. There are some very specific things that we have asked him to do, and they were don't done.   He signed a contract agreeing to do these things.   And it hasn't happened.

I see both sides. It just hard to keep saying "good-bye".   I was in the same "in the middle" situation with our last youth minister.   How much do I share? how much do I tell them?   Its not that I go running to them saying "guess what -- I know something you dont' know. Guess what so and so said about you". Confidentality is a very big deal within the office of the church, and I do believe that if asked, our minister would rate me highly in this area.   He trusts me with confindental information.    So this meeting fall intot hat category?   But when these youth minsters ask me point blank questions about themselves and their standing in the church, in their job .... what do I do?    Saying I don't know is a lie.   And telling them is -- a breach of confidence?      I don't know.

The bottom line is --- to pray. God has a plan for all of us.   I do believe that God has great things in store for this special person he has brought into our lives for a short time.   I just wish it didn't hurt so much. Or that I have to deal with my son and the loss of another "adult figure" in his life. I know, I know. Thats all part of life. But I dont' like having a part in it.

Blessings to all....

Excuse me...

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 23:45:30 GMT

While I scream. I think it's hormones. Or that time of year. Or being the mom of a teenager. Or...

I can think of a dozen reasons. Its just been one of those days. And it shouldn't have. I just decided I had had "enough" -- so I called in sick to the church today. I didn't lie. My heart IS beating funny. And, I know part of it is due to not taking my dueretic like I am supposed to -- water retention in a major way. So, I took it and run to the bathroom a million times. There are 2 flights of stairs between my office and the bathroom, and I just didn't have the energy to try and tackle "dealing" with it at the church.

So, for the most part, it's been a good day. I got quite a bit accomplished, (away from the computer even!) -- and will continue to work at it.

Why do I feeling like screaming?

My 14 year is acting like a 4 year old
We have a meeting tonight to "evaluate" the new youth minister. It doesn't look good for him.
The evaluations I mailed out aren't right -- I wasn't given the right copies to copy ...but its still going to look bad on my part.
There were some things "mis-filed" at Job#2, and again, a reflection on me.
Did I mention my 14 year old is acting like a 2 year old?
oh....guess I did. He's regressed from a 4 year old to a 2 year old.

LIsting them out, it doesn't really seem all that bad. And, it isn't. I'm just exasperated. Tired. Worn out. On edge. Frazzled. I needed a time out. I took a time out. And then this afternoon, had to deal with a teenage son who, for all intensive purposes, is as out of control as his mother. He's a good kid. He really is. And I love him dearly. But, there are days, he just totally loses it because he doesn't get his way -- and its over something really really stupid. And so much NOT worth fighting over. And yet, if I give in, I lose more ground than I have already lost. I wish I knew how to turn it around. For his sake. As well as mine. He IS a good kid. But, I worry the "Sonic drink" we argue about today will be "drugs and alcohol" tomorrow. Quite honestly, I can't see Ethan doing them -- and yet, he's a very headstrong, willful child (ah...ok. teenager), and one of these days.... I don't even want to think about it.

I have got to turn things around -- for both of us. Now.

Suddenly Sunday

Sun, 17 Apr 2005 21:07:56 GMT

Where did the week go? the days are flying by entirely too fast. This is already the middle of April. i wish time would slow down, just a bit.

Ethan went to Fort Scott yesterday -- and came home with a "I+" (one plus) on his solo. The judge said he had an excellence voice, and was surprised that he was only an 8th grader. I am sooo proud of him. We have him scheduled to sing during Special Music time at church the first Sunday in May. I know what he is singing. I will make sure that the minister knows what rating he got, and see if he'll say something about it when Ethan finishes singing. I know Ethan has "bragging rights", but I just think it would sound better coming from the minister.

He also did a duet -- and they got a II + (two plus). What is really strange, is the girl he sang with recieved a I+ on her solo as well -- so you would think the two together would be dynamic. I think it was Ethan that pulled down the ranting for them. Not for being off key or the like, but he said the judge said he couldn't hear the "2nd part" -- which was him. And I questioned that when I heard Ethan practicing. His voice is changing, and he has a really good "bass" "baritone" voice. But the part the music instructor was having him sing was in the high range. I think a different song would have had a different outcome. Either way though, I'm proud of him -- of all of them, representing our school and doing an excellent job.

On a different note -- I told David that I'm going to have a T-Shirt printed up. You know those shirts that have a finger pointing to the right, and says 'I'm with Stupid"..... well, I'm going to get one similiar -- with the finger pointing, and it says "She's NOT my mom". I KNOW I am being really sensitive about this, but I am getting REALLY tired of people refering to her as MY MOM. Esp. people who KNOW BETTER ....like the people at the pharmacy. They knew my mom really well. They know my aunt very well. They know me! But yesterday when I was picking up a printout for my aunt, they refered to her as "my mom". I didn't correct them, but underneath, it hurt. I would love nothing more than to be able to pick up paper work or medications for MY MOM!!! get it straight people.

But, I know. Its a strange situation. And the role I play in her life is much like one that of a daughter. And its only human nature for people not close to the situation to be confused. But -- it still bothers me. Not that I would ever come unglued on anyone about it. But inside, I'm screaming. I do that alot anyway. Keeping things inside -- writing about them, is just a lifestyle. Done it all my life. Don't see that part of me ever changing.

Best get out of here. Have a lot on the agenda today.

Birthday Boy

Fri, 15 Apr 2005 20:42:21 GMT

Happy 3rd Birthday, Mister Malachi

101 Things about me list

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 13:37:06 GMT

I'm revising my "101 Things About Me" list.
The link won't work yet.
My list will be an entry here when I complete it.
It may take me awhile.
It is more than just a "bullet list".
I'm going into more detail about the "things about me".
Its current.
It's going to take me awhile

Another Day

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 01:17:40 GMT

Ethan got his hair cut today. He looks soo much better. He didn't get it bleached or highlighted. Thats a whole other story; but he knew better than to say anything. If things improve, then maybe in a few weeks, he can get it done. But for right now, he losing all the things he really enjoys, and is going to walk a straight line. I know. Too little too late; but I have to start somewhere. He had to have the haircut -- his hair was way out of control. But, he didnt' have to have it bleached/hairlighted. He just wanted it. Simple plan. When I get what I want (good grades), he will get want he wants. Well...within reason. He knew he was in trouble, and hasn't given me a bunch of grief about it for a change.

I really struggled with something emotionally this morning. I have done so good keeping the waves of grief at bay. I can get through the days now without hurting. Today was the exception. There was an invitation on my desk this morning to attend a jewelry party. There was a statement on there that something about bring a friend. For a fleeting moment, I thought "oh cool, I'll call Mom". And then the stabbing knife reality ... I can't. We used to do so much together. There was a period of time, we went to alot of "parties" together -- Tupperware, jewlery, Stampin' Up. I knew I could always count on her to be "my friend". For a split second today...I forgot. I hate it. I miss her so much. I'm angry that she died. And I have no where to go with my anger. Its not her fault. Life has to go on. She didn't suffer. But it wasn't supposed to happen like it did. There should have been a warning. I know, I know. Being born is a sure guarantee that you are going to die. I understand that. And most days, I can accept that. Today just wasn't one of those days.

Blessings to all

I'm Back

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 05:47:07 GMT

I probably need my head examine -- or as my family would say, I need to "get a life" -- but ... I like working with inline frames and such, but I also have missed the "blog" layout of sorts. So, I come back home to old stomping grounds. Logic tells me to head back to Xanga -- I still have premium there until October. And I found a really cool layout that I changed it too. But.   I don't like the fact you have to be a part of Xanga to leave comments. Blogdrive is pretty cool -- I learned how to do web page here, so this place will always have a special place in me just for that reason.    I don't think I am going to go overboard with lots of stuff in the side module ...just a few links and such.   And just concentrate on blogging.   My website has all the links and infor that I like sharing, so will just direct everyone there to check it out.     Need to update my mailing list here, and let a few people know that I'm back in "Blog-driveLand". I know. There is absolutely no hope for me.   Its just one of those things -- accept it and go on.

Its been a pretty quite week, all in all.   I've worked out to the office 2 days in a row, and by the looks of things, I should be able to make it out there all week.   AJ is going to Emporia with a group of people tomorrow, so, unless something drastic happens pretty now and then, that takes me "off call" for a brief period of time. And, she's done pretty good about not needing a whole lot this week.

Ethan is getting his hair cut tomorrow.   He soooo needs it.   His hair is so unbelievable thick. And now its thick and just sticks out all over the place.   He is always wanting to get it bleached, or highlighted or something.   Thats still on the discussion table.   I gave him a list of things he needed to do before I would agree to pay for it. The list is still incomplete. So, it may just be a simple haircut.   He goes to Fort Scott Saturday with a group for a Vocal Content.   So, the haircut is a necessity. But the bleach job or whatever it is that he scheduled with "his lady hairdresser" isn't.   But....he still has a bit of time in the morning. So, as always, we will go right down to the wire on this.

Best head off to bed. Morning will be here too soon.

Blessings to all

Closing

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 06:02:46 GMT

OK -- I'm taking the plunge. I'm not going to drag this out any longer. I have posted my "good-bye" entry at Xanga .... and have decided that if I truly want to simplify, that I need to take another step ...now... and put this blog to rest as well. Here is what I wrote at Xanga, and it holds true here as well....

New Year's is a time of reflection. Of taking action. A time to regroup and take a good long look at what you have done the past year, what needs to be changed, what will simplify your life in this crazy rat race of a world.

For me, I have a whole page of things that I need to change. Simplifying my life is at the top of the list. That list is long. Its overwhelming, it has many many things in many many areas. So where do I begin?

I begin by not having 3 blogs -- that all say the same thing. I have been doing that for awhile, "customizing" it to fit the audience that I think might be reading. Now its time that I blog for me, and if I find that I am an audience of one and I don't like what I am reading, then maybe blogging isnt' for me (which, I seriously doubt. I've been journaling for too many years in my life, that blogging is a natural extention of journaling).

I have had my own domain for almost a year. I have used it for lots of things -- a layout of my life, my family. Graphic adoptions that I like. A memorial to my mom. Friends. And a blog. Its time that I utilize it to the fullest. So, I start here, and say goodbye. I have many of my Xanga friends on my "blog roll", so I will come back often to read ....but not to write. If you are still interested in following the "life and times of "Prairierose", stop by http://www.myprairierose.com and say "hi". Bookmark it. I also have a blog at Blogdrive, which I have thoroughly enjoyed. It has taught me how to build my own web pages, and allowed me to turn my creative streak loose and just be me. But, my Blogdrive journal will also be a thing of the past soon. It only makes sense to reside in one "home" -- and that would be in my "domain".

Take care everyone. Each and every one of you has touched my life in some way, and I have been blessed by knowing you.

Blessings to you.

Renewal

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 04:58:47 GMT

Happy New Year. Hard to believe the holidays have passed, another whole year has gone by, and we are starting with Day 1 again. This could be a day of beating ourselves up for the things we wanted to accomplish this exact same day last year -- and have let a whole year go by -- and didn't get them accomplished.

Today is a day of renewal and expectations. I know that I am at a place in my life that I really dont' like and I would like to change. Balance it out somewhat. Unfortunately, it covers so many areas in my life. If I were to list them all out, it would be overwhelming and self defeating before I even started. I think what I will do is make a simple outline of what I would like to accomplish this year -- through in some fun stuff too -- it doesn't have to be all self improvement. And then, break each one of them down, into seperate actions -- what needs to be done specifically, to accomplish it. And start one one. Do it every day. In two weeks, start on another one. Sounds simple enough on paper. The proof of the pudding though, is in action. I am a great "planner'. Its my follow-through that falls short most of the time.

The flu bug has made his rounds here. Ethan had it Wednesday. Thursday night and into the early hours of Friday, I just wanted someone to shoot me and get it over with. I was supposed to have worked yesterday, but that didn't happen. I did throw up (I know, TMI...), and had other various "flu-actions" -- and still wasn't feeling real great last night -- so I stepped into 2005 alone, but that was oK. Misery does NOT like company. Ethan was at a Lock-in at the Rec center with his youth group, so he wouldn't be home until this morning. And David went out to his mom and dad's -- and it was after 1:00 when he got home. But, my take on this was I would rather see the year out with the flu, than have it the first day of the year .......... like David..... who now, as we speak....ah...type...is in bed, has been since 7:00, and wishes either someone would shoot him -- or that he would just throw up and get it over with. He was sympathic when we were sick, but he also had this 'I'm not going to get it" attitude. Wrong. I wish there was something I could do for him. But, at this point, I know there isn't. It just has to run its course. And hopefully, once he's done with it, its run its course in this family and we can get back to being healthy again. I hate the flu! I'll take 10 colds over 1 bout of the flu. Ick. Ick. Ick.

Since I didn't work yesterday, I spent most of the day at the office today. But, it worked out pretty good. Since Ethan was up all night, he slept most of the day and didn't realize I wasn't home -- although he knew I had to go in and work today. My boss didn't call me tonight, so the master list that I gave him for tomorrow must have been OK. Either that, or he was so tired from traveling back from Illinois, he decided he didn't really care, and we'll deal with it tomorrow. He took the list with him, and he tried calling me yesterday to go over it so I knew what corrections to make. I had brought the list home with me, but that is about as far it got. Which he understood. So, he called at 10:30 this morning, and we went over it. It was almost 4:00 when I was finally about to turn out the lights and head home. Definately didn't feel like a holiday, nor a Saturday. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do.

Hope everyone had a safe New Year's Eve, and many blessings to everyone for this new year!

5 hours..50 minutes...

Sat, 01 Jan 2005 00:10:58 GMT

Flu Bug

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 19:45:22 GMT

Ok, back to the world of words. I have lots of notes that I would like to comment on; but have lost myself in the world of graphics and web page creating. But, I'm gonna quit and get back to actual blogging. Its been a hectic, high pressure week, but do think things will be slowing down now. I didn't make it out to "the office" with the trucking company I'm working for because I ended up working a full day at the church. The newsletters HAD to go out today.

It wasn't a matter of getting it done sooner. I had my part done Monday, and was just waiting for it to be proofread and a few other things that needed to be added. My boss and his wife left for Illinois today -- he said he wasn't sure if he'd be in, so I stressed about that because I thought there were things that we needed to be going over and doing before he left. He was pretty scarce this week. But, he did come in today, and we were able to go over a few things and give me some direction of what I need to get accomplished these next few days. Between the newsletter, the Capital Campaign that we are about to embark on, and the directory that needs to be completed and ready to copy very soon AND dealing with some of the details of the Lock-in that is placed New Years Eve for our Jr High and Sr High kids .... I had several come in today and get forms, turn in forms, ask questions, etc.... so even though its not "my event" that I'm planning and putting together, I'm still involved with it and that takes part of the time I have there as well. Lots on my plate, and not lots of hours to get it done. But, it will get done. Just a matter of staying focused, and prioritizing.

Its a good thing the kids are out for Christmas Break right now. Ethan seems to do a lot of "I don't feel good" and always has some symptom or another. But -- he was legimately sick last night and today. Complete with throw-up and diarerra. Ick. I have a suspicion that he got it from Matt, who was sick Friday night with similar symptoms, but felt better Saturday, so came on down for Christmas. However, he left early afternoon because he was feeling a bit queasy again. I would say the flu-bug has definately hit. I'm just hoping that it only hits once and leaves the rest of us alone. I Do. Not. Want the flu bug.

I will comment on the rest of my notes later. Ethan just got up and wants me to go out and sit with him. He is at least able to move around a bit without having to make a made dash to the bathroom. This morning was not a good deal. I probably shouldn't have left him home alone, but didn't really have much of a choice.

I got all teary-eyed as I went to work. For a split second there, I had the thought to pick up the phone and call my mom, and get her advice .... to see if I should be worried, or if it just sounded like he had just regular old flu. And maybe she could check up on him from time to time.

And then I remembered.

I couldn't do that. I can talk to her in spirit, and I know she is always with me. But to physically get her advice or help now .... those moments are gone. But for a moment.... I had forgotten.

Not a good way to start my day either. So, I would venture to say it was "my mood" and not my boss's actions that were getting to me. I was just frustrated. But, my day did improve, and I did get my task completed, and was able to move on to the next thing on my list. The never ending list.

Blessings to all

07:04 PM

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

Fri, 24 Dec 2004 13:55:17 GMT

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were nestled all snug in their bed,
While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads,
And mamma in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap...
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder* and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled -- his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow.
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his teams gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Clement C. Moore

'Tis The Season

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 23:26:49 GMT

...to be jolly

So, why don't I feel jolly?   I am so not a Martha Stewart, so "baking and decorating and gift buying" is not stressing me out.   For the first 19 years of my marriage to David, we worked overtime right up until Christmas. We manufactured stuff animals and puppets, and this was the busiest time of year for us, so we worked many many evenings during December until 7:00.   Old habits are hard to break.

I know what it is, I just don't know what to do about it.   I don't even think its even rational or logical.   I feel like I need to kick myself, tell myself to "suck it up and go on".   I am really really struggling here.   I have been in tears off and on all day. What IS the deal.   There is nothing specific I can pinpoint -- like David doing something wrong, or not getting my way, or soemthing like that creating this emotion.   I do know I am short fused and irratable ...when i'm not blue.

I just don't know how to "handle" my emotions this year.   Last year, I had a "free" card that allowed me to do whatever I wanted, be whatever I wanted, and no one would or could question what lied behind my state of being. My mom died December 14. The funeral was December 17. December 23, my sister-in-law from my first marriage died, and my boys wanted to attend the funeral. So, Christmas eve, the 3 of us headed for Michigan. I spent Christmas day in a motel room, while the boys spent time with their dad (my boys are 27 and 28, so it wasn't like they needed supervision or anything....). And I was OK with that.   I was able to grieve in peace, alone, and not have to put on a "happy face" for the family that loved me back home, and were celebrating Christmas, because for them, life had gone on.

Anything I said or did during this period of time, the jagged emotion of tears, or anger, or just being really quiet or in a stupor -- everyone knew how much I loved my mom, how much a part of my world she was, and my actions were a very normal reaction to the event.   It was "allowed".

But now....we have come full circle.   Its been a year. And with time, has come some peace, some acceptance, some tolerance for not having her here.   Most days.     Apparently, this just isn't one of those days.   I don't want to go Christmas shopping.    I don't want to deal with crowds.   I don't want to NOT have to buy her something.   I'm resentful that I am having to deal with my 13 year old -- he will probably be going with us.   Every other year for the last 11 years, he has gone to "grandma's house" when we went Christmas shopping.   I don't have the option anymore.   Last year -- David and my DIL went Christmas shopping for us.    I was "allowed" to bow out of the process because ....

But, I know for anyone who hasn't "been there and done that" -- who hasn't lost a parent, or a loved one really really close to them, the concept of "it being a year ....get over it" seems to apply.   Logic dicates that life goes on, and with time should come "life goes on as normal".   And some days it does.    But for some reason.....today isn't one of those days.   I just feel overwhelmed by the things that still lay ahead of me to do, the next week or two, that doesnt' have anything to do with Christmas.    Things like the angels for the angel tree not getting ordered (which wasn't my responsiblity,and yet, I feel like I am partly responsible for the mess up) send me over the edge in tears.   Just read tonights newspaper....we had emailed a "news release" to the newspaper today about the Christmas Eve service to put in Friday's paper.......   there IS no Friday's paper.   So, that chips away at my "self worth" -- that I should have 2nd guessed that and be on top of it.   I had gotten a newsrelease there when they did a big article about area churches and what we were doing ..... but this one slipped past us ....more specifically....me.   I'm the secretary. I should be more aware of these things and handle them in a timely manner.   I just didn't think. I knew it had been in the main ariticle....I didnt' think about it being in the devotional page on Friday....which they aren't publishing.

Bottom line....I'm just tired of dealing.

And yet....the season is not about "ho ho ho" and being jolly.   Its about Christ and his birth and the celebration of that.   But today....word association ....Christ's birth -- takes me to Christ's death. And death takes me back to my mom.    And guilt. Because its NOT all about me.   This season is about giving and others.   So, as I stated earlier.   I just need to suck it up and go on.   Quite having a pity party for one.   Make someone else's life just a little brighter.

I wish I could.

Blessings to all....

Re-Entry

Sat, 18 Dec 2004 21:41:03 GMT

Re-entry to the blogging world, that is.   Its been a combination of things this week. One, its just been a crazy busy week. Between working 2 jobs, working overtime at one of them, normal weekly stuff, Ethan's Christmas program at school Monday night ... the annivesary of my mom's death, going to KC and spending time with a super wonderful friend ....   there are alot of reasons why I haven't been here, and why I haven't said much.   Its just been busy.

However...if you came in through my webpage, you know that I haven't been THAT busy.    I redecorated over there.   How do I explain this?   Sometimes...not always....but sometimes....redecorating, "creating" a new look, new pages, etc -- is an addiction. A comfort food for the soul.   And, this week, above all weeks, I have been hurting. I have been missing my mom.   I have been remembering.   Playing with my blog pages allows me to focus on something I enjoy, and just not think. I make a list, I know what I want, and what I would like to accomplish with the page.   And then I follow through.

I should BE SO disciplined in other areas of my life.

But, I decided it was time to come back to the world of blogging. The world of words.   The world of interaction and wearing my heart on my sleeve again.

And...for all intensive purposes, to "drown my sorrows" in something, I think I was pretty creative. I really like how my pages turned out; and will probably leave the layout part be for awhile, and just change the rest as the time and holidays dicate. January will be "New Years" themed, or maybe just plain winter.   Late January, I'll decorate in a Valentine's flair.   Then comes St. Paddy's day. AFter that, spring offers a whole world of beatiful graphics ....and then....well....I'll cross that bridge when I get to it to what my pages will be like then.

What I am doing with my pages is one of those things that is on my list of "things to learn".   Every since I became computer literate, and found the world of mouse drawn graphics and webpages, I have always thought ..."Someday.....     Someday I am going to be able to do that, and my pages will look wonderful and creative".   Last year, I had the pages, but I didnt' do them.   I sent what I wanted to a wonderful creative lady by the name of Jana, and she created my pages for me.   The end result was that I had a wonderful homepage that reflected "me" and told a story about my life, my family, my loves, my interests, my obsession.    But....I always felt like there was something lacking ---    ME.   I WANTED to be the one doing it. But I didn't know how.

Now I know how -- and have gone to town with it.   Blogdrive is a wonderful place to do a creative homepage, and not all that expensive. And the best part, is -- I can say I DID IT MYSELF!

So now, I can check that off my list.   The next "computer" endeavor is to master PSP.   Start with blinkies, and then move on to making my own graphics.    There are tutorials and such out there -- its not like I would be flying blindly to learn how.   Its just a matter of following directions and doing it.

And of course....in the meantime, there are some major goals in my personal life that don't include the computer that I would like to accomplish.   This is a good time of the year to reflect on that, and to set goals and follow them through.    Surely if I can learn how to make webpages, I can learn how to develop a routine that involves more intensively cleaning and organzing. That I can be more disciplined in Devotion time and Bible Study.    That I can lose another 30 lbs.   I can do all those things, if I would just put my mind to it ...... and "get a life". Get off the computer!

Ok...maybe not get off the computer, but rather, balance things out just a little more.

I promise it won't be another week before I make it back here again.   And, I am going to try and get around to read as well.   Put the graphic world back on the shelf, and focus on people again. On Life. On family.

Happy Holidays!

I'm Losing It

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 06:21:57 GMT

I'm losing it, and not for the reasons, those who know me, might think. I hit the floor running this morning, and haven't slowed down since. The good thing in all this -- which evokes a tinge of anger in me ....not directed at anyone, other than, maybe, myself -- but because of the way my day has unfolded, I haven't had a whole lot of time to think about mom. I'm not sure why I am of the mindset that today, or yesterday, or tomorrow is any different than any other day. They are all the same. A day without my mother in my life. But, they are milestones, in the sense that it has been exactly a year. So, emotionally, I'm trying to hang on. Trying to process all of it. To deal with it.

Yet, the bottom line is .... I just haven't had the time to do it today. I know you can work and still think, still reflect ...still grieve. But today has been so overwhelming with what has to be done, and in just way order I need to do everything in order to get it all done, that there hasn't been room left in my brain to have the luxury of taking out the memories of those last moments with her. I've just tried to stay one step ahead of trying to get everything done.

THE CHURCH: The normal everyday Monday things ... recording attendance. Calendar and devotion time with Gordon. Phone Calls. But, because I'm not going to work tomorrow -- I'm taking a "play day" and going to KC and spending the day with my wonderful and bestest friend, Ruth -- I needed to get the newsletter done, so it could be proofread, so I could mail it out when I come back to work Wednesday. That right now, would and could take my whole morning. However....on my plate of things to do as well was: doing a mailing to the area churches, and to the Jr. High and Sr. High youth of the New Year's Eve Lock-in. (50 flyers). A mailing for the capital compaign (250 letters). Getting the newsletter to the point of proofreading.

I got everything but the capital compaign mailing doing, because Gordon wanted his wife to proofread the letter, and she didnt' get off work until 2:00. Plus, he needed to handsign all the letters, and he wanted to run the envelopes through the printer rather than print out labels and slap them on the envelope.

So....

At 1:00, I left there ....went to the bank, went to the hospital for lab work. Went over to my aunt Jo's to find her medicine that she couldn't find that she knew she took to Florida -- so now she wants me to overnight her some more. Get it ready, and mail it. Go to the post office. Go home and get cell phone. By this time, its a bit before 2:00. I needed to be "at work" -- out at David's office.

Worked 2 hours out there .... came back in, and went back to work at the church. Gordon had gotten some of the envelopes printed, but not all of them. So, while he signed letters, I printed evelopes. I didn't get them done either, but I had to leave at 5:00 to go pick Ethan up from school and take him home. Did that, went back and worked until 6:30. He had a program at school. Attended that from 7:00 - 8:30. Ate supper.

And here I am. Almost midnight. The letters still aren't done. What I had, I have stuffed in envelopes, sealed and stamped. But the saved copy on the disk isn't compatible with any programs we have here at home. So.... Gordon will have to finish them up for me tomorrow. I feel really bad, but I have done all I can do. I have more than made up my hours that I will be missing tomorrow.

It has been non stop today. And tomorrow promises to be equally busy -- only in a different way. I can hardly wait. I alway enjoy our time together, and I know tomorrow won't be any different.

But first... I have to get Ethan off to school. Mail these letters. Stop by the church and let Gordon know where I left off, and see if he can finish them up. And then...maybe then.... I can leave town and spend a nice enjoyable day with my friend.

Thats the plan.

But now...the plan is to got to bed. It has been A DAY!

Blessings to all...

Avoidance

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 03:35:41 GMT

I have been avoiding this all weekend. Which is silly. I have spent a lifetime of using words to survive. I have wrote when things have been not so good, in situations where my emotional well being has been on the line. And yet, now , my emotional being is in turmoil, and words faill me. Nothing I can write or say or think will..."make it all right".

Something else that makes avoiding my blog this weekend silly is ..... its MY blog. Its not a homework assignment. Its not something I'm getting paid to do, or something expect of me. Its just a place to go to record my life, my thoughts, my feelings. And so, if I don't want to share those words, or put a voice to the feelings, then that is my choice. So, seeing my actions of this weekend as one of avoidance is illogical. But, the emotional crisis, for the moment, has passed. Or maybe it wasn't an emotional crisis. Maybe it was a physical one. In my heart of hearts, I believe the two to be connected, but which came first....the chicken or the egg.

PHYSICAL: My heart has been racing...or has it? I have felt it. Its erratic. And when I have checked it, its been on the low side like -- around 60. My blood pressure has been a little higher than normal. I just haven't felt right -- mostly because I could feel the heart. Normally, I don't. It made me jittery. Restless. Close to panic, but couldn't really contribute it to anything.

EMOTIONAL:I don't care what the calendar says. It has been a year. The calendar has determined that my mom died a year ago this Tuesday -- December 14. But... for me, it has been an extremely rough weekend, emotionally. Between 10:00 and noon yesterday, it took a very concentrated, very conscious effort on my effort to not go off screaming, throwing things, just being an emotional basketcase in general. So, I internalized. Because...thats what I do. Friday night...a year ago, I sat in a chair, talking with my mom. We talked about Christmas, what we would be doing the next week. We talked about Ethan. We talked about the hospital, and how good it would be to be able to go home again. In my mind, I had decided that I would probably go home Saturday morning. I had been there since Thursday with her, and I needed to go hme and check on things ..and well...just get away from the hospital atmosphere. But Saturday morning found us with snow on the ground -- and my mom had a headache. I decided I really didn't want to drive in the inclement weather, so I stayed.

I didn't realize that it was a life altering decision. No, by staying or going, it would not have made a difference to whether my Mom lived or died. But....I know me. If I had left, and things played out the way they did... I would have a whole lot more emotional baggage to deal with than I already do with this. I am so thankful that I stayed. That I was there during her last moments. That I experienced the whole thing. No,I'm not saying that I'm glad I experience watching my mom die. It all happened so quickly. One moment we were talking about "next week" ..and the next moment, her words became slurred, and the next moment she was gone. But ... I think I was able to put closure to it somewhat by being there -- by watching it happen from start to finish. If I had left, only to be called back to the hospital, or to be called and told that she was "gone" .... God was watching over me that day, and I know he knew what would be in my best interest, and he kept me there.

And now....a whole year has passed. A year that I didn't think there was no way I could survive.

Life without my mom.

But....you do what you have to do. I haven't liked it. I have spiraled out of control from time to time, looking, searching for a way to make the pain go away. But, it doesn't work that way. Praying helps. Time helps. Its much like the ocean. There are days when I can think about it, about her, and very un-emotional think "Ok, she's gone...thats part of life". And then there are other days...when I can hardly catch my breath I miss her so much. The ebb and flow of emotion. Of acceptance. Of life. So, no ...I don't have to write in this blog about her. About my feelings. But, there I wrote last year -- or had my DIL write when I wasn't close to a computer. And I am glad those thoughts, those feelings are on permanent record somewhere. So, it is for that reason I write today. So, when I look back a year from now, I know that time does heal, and that not wanting to accept it is ok. That is all part of the process.

I miss you Mom.

Thelma Faye Amos
July 16, 1933 - December 14, 2003

Meetings, Memories & Music

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 23:47:39 GMT

A night of meetings, but that is a typical Wednesday night.  The first week of the month is always a hectic week. Ministry team meetings Sunday night, Board meeting Monday night, and then GAP and choir practice on Wednesday nights.   We only a few more practices until the Christmas Eve program. So, even though we aren't "key" people in the choir, its still important that we be there.

I also need Ethan to be at his Youth Group meeting tonight. I have some flyers and stuff ready for the Youth minister. He is planning a "Lock-in" for New Year's Eve -- which is to include not only our youth, but youth from area churches.   At the Ministry Team meeting, he said that "Carolyn would be making up the flyers". Didn't take him long to "jump on board" my offer to help him do whatever needed to be done:) hehe.   Its fine though. I did offer.   I'm just feeling overwhelmed this week.   Besides the normal stuff of the newsletter, bulletin, and outline ... we are also going into a new "Capital Campaign" -- and its going to take a lot of work on the part of the minister ...and if there are mailings and such, of course you know who that falls on. Right now the key thing is to get a "Master List" put together. Which, shouldn't be all that difficult. I send out a newsletter every other week. That is a good, up to date place to start.

I also may be "hired" on to another part time job.   Just depends on what my husband decides to do. He was approached by another company to do some work for them -- doing what he is doing now ....dispatching, billing, mechanic work, etc.   He doesn't feel like he can do "all of it" -- but, if he had some "help"...he might be able to. So, I threw it out on the table that I could, if he needed me to, work from 1:30 - 4:00 every afternoon. That would make Ethan stay for homework help, and that woudln't be a bad thing.   And, it would have to be "clear cut" tasks. Yes, I realize that it is going to take some "learning" on my part ...thats expected with any new job. But, what I am refering to about being "clear cut" -- is, like, the filing that he would like for me to do right now .... there's not a "simple, clear cut" logic to it.   You have to guess on alot of the invoices to just what truck the service was done on..and stuff like that.    If I'm going to do this, I want it to be something that I can go to the office and do, once I learned the ropes, and not depend on David to "decipher" what i need to do with it.   I would get paid once a week, just like they do. Right now, what work I've done out there, we have "kept track", and one of these days, I'll get paid.   IF I'm going to do this, it has to be like a "real" part time job ...not just filling in for what he doesn't get done.

But...he has decided 100% yet if he's going to do it.   I'm not going to pressure him one way or the other.   It has to be his decision.

Ethan had a full day Sunday.   He has a new "ministry".   One of our elders takes communion to the "assisted living" place, where he does a short service, and serves communion.   Ethan did the special music at church last Sunday, and Paul asked him afterwards if he would go to the Meadows and sing for them there, which he agreed to do. We talked about it, and he is going to go with Paul every week, help serve communion, and do a special music number for them.   He helps at Kidz Kingdom, but he gets so frustrated there --- the kids don't listen, and its exasperation -- for the adults, let along someone close them in age who is trying to maintain control with them for a short amount of time.   So, we have talked to all the appropriate "head of ministry teams" and he's not going to do Kidz Kingdom any more, but he will go to the Meadows every week.   It will be much better for him, thats for sure. He'll be going somewhere where he can share his talents (singing), is appreciated and loved, and it is a real service project, rather than "surviving the hour".

So, this week, not only did he go to the Meadows and sing again ....but once a month, we go to another nursing home about 15 miles away, and do a service there.    When Gordon goes, then usually Ethan goes as well.   Gordon alternates with another man, and Ehan is just not comfortable being around this other man -- so even though I "make" him do things sometimes that he's not comfortable with....this isn't one of them. This man has a way of stirring up trouble, and just is not a real friendly person sometimes.   So, I don't make him go when its his month. But when Gordon goes, Ethan is comfortable with everyone that goes, and there again...the attention...the "positive reinforcement" that he gets is a good thing.

I trying really hard to fight the memories right now.    It was a year ago today that I didn't attend choir -- I was over at my mom's house, taking her pulse every 15 minutes, and helping her make the decision whether or not to go to the hospital.   Her pulse was running around 30-40 .... which was not good.    We did make the decision to go to the hospital, and they kept her over night, and then sent her to Topeka the next day.

She never came home.

Has it been a year already?

I want to say its been the longest year of my life .... living it without my mom. But....I have to admit, it has gone remarkable fast. Too fast.   Painfully fast.   My good, dear, sweet, loving, caring friend in Kansas City has arranged a scrapbooking day for us next Tuesday.   The 14th.    It took me awhile to put 2 and 2 together -- figuring out just exactly what she was doing.   Setting up a scrapbook/Red Lobster day for us isn't anything out of the ordinary. We do it from time to time.   So, when she said, put it on my calendar ...the 14th .... I did. And looked forward to the day.   But, in my mind, and I know this isn't going to make sense ...... Dec. 14 and scrapbooking with Ruth   AND Dec 14, the anniversary of my mom's death .....were two seperate days.   I hadn't forgotten that mom died on the 14th.   In the back of my mind, I knew that it would be a rough day to get through, and there was a chance I woudln't even go to work ...that I would just stay home, ...and remember. Give into the pain. And remember.        And yet..... Dec. 14. Scrapbook with Ruth. And in my mind, I was packing my scrapbook bag, and not going wasn't an option.    I just hadn't clearly put it together that they were the same day.   Which, of course, doesn't make any sense.

And when I did put it together, I knew exactly why she had planned this particular day for us to get together.   Thats just the kind of person she is.   Thats why I love her.   She was there when I made the call that Mom wasn't going to make it.   She stayed with me. She dealt with my aunt.   She helped me get through it. Because thats what friends do.      And now, as I am about to deal with the anniversary of her death .... my friend is there again for me.   Because thats what friends do.

Guess its time to head to Youth Groups, so i'm outta here.   Hope everyone is having a good week and that the holiday month isn't too stressful for you.

Blessings to all....

     Write a letter to Santa.

Ever had one of those days?

Sun, 05 Dec 2004 03:37:36 GMT

MY day went OK, but David's mom and dad's day could have been a whole lot better.

Have you been working around your house, and hear the fire whistle go off, and then hear police and fire trucks going somewhere, with their sirens on? And you stop and say a prayer for safety for those men, as well as whoever might be involved in whereever they are going.

And then...for a moment, you hope and pray that it isn't someone you know.

That was my afternoon. The fire whistle went off, followed by the appropriate vehicles being dispatched to the place in need. I didn't think a whole lot about it. We would read about it in the newspaper next week.

Wrong. Shortly after, the phone rings. Its David. He says that his mom just called and said their shop was on fire -- so he was headed in to help, even though all the "professionals" were out there. Despite all their problems, this is a close knit family, and going out there to help was just automatic for him. Since he hadn't gotten out there, of course he didn't know any circumstances or details.

We waited a while, and then Ethan and I got in our van and went out there. Of course we really couldn't get to their house -- the drive way was blocked off by the police ...and I figured they didn't need anymore people out there than already was.

It was a sight to behold though. The building was fully engulfed. Fire trucks. An ambulance .... I saw David's sister out there, but that didn't surprise me. For one, her husband, her son and her son-in-law are all volunteer firemen. So, they would have been out there just because they would have been called to report for duty. But also, his sister is extremely close to her mom, so it was just natural for her to be there for her mom.

What ticked me off was the cars...that were pulled over, that had gone down the road, and turned around and gone back to town, to get a better look. Or, who had parked at the business on down the road, "just to watch". Yes, I was one of them who had gone out "to see"...but I'm family! Under normal circumstances,I do not get in my vehicle and go find where the fireman have been dispatched, or run to see the accident, or whatever the crisis might be. What do people doing when they do this? The professionals sure don't need them around, while they are trying to secure the situation. I don't know....it just didn't feel right seeing people sit back and watch.

Other than that, it was a pretty quiet day.

Oh...the cause of the fire? David's dad and brother were welding -- it became lunch time, so they went to lunch. Apparently a spark from the welding must have been smoldering, and after awhile, it started to blaze. They were in eating lunch, and the lights started to flicker -- and his dad went to investigate why. When he saw why, he yelled his wife to call 911, and he went running down there to see if he could get control of it. He didn't get all the way to the building before the welding torch blew up. He decided that maybe he wouldn't try to get control of it. There was several more of similar kinds of bottles that are highly explosive under extreme heat. I am just thankful he wasn't there when it blew up, or he wasn't hurt in any way. There are so many ways this could have played out differently ...and I know they are feeling the loss of many many dollars worth of property, but, the "property" that is most sacred was spared, and that is all that matters.

How was YOUR day?

blessings to all...