di·lem·ma    ( P )  Pronunciation Key  (d-lm)
n.

1. A situation that requires a choice between options that are or seem equally unfavorable or mutually exclusive.
2. Usage Problem. A problem that seems to defy a satisfactory solution.
3. Logic. An argument that presents two alternatives, each of which has the same consequence.

I am faced with making a choice.  I am part of our Youth Ministry Team at church.   We meet, once a month, to make decisions and report planning efforts of the different youth programs within the church.

Last night, we had a "special" meeting -- called together for a specific reason.  We hired a part time youth minister in November.   Apparently, he's not "working out".   We were all given evaluations, and the bottom line is,  "he hasn't met our expectations" and there for, we are not renewing his contract.    We are though,  extending it until school is out, and just let it seem like the natural progression ....that the youth programs stop for the summer. 

I really don't know how to process all of this.  I do know that I did step outside of my "little box" and did not go along with general consesus.   I voiced my opinion, and threw out other alternatives.  And I was surprised that a few others agreed.   I may stand alone, but I think we, as a church, have let the youth minister down.   Yes, there are many many things we have asked him to do, and he's hasn't quite done them like we expected.  For awhile, the Jr. High and Sr. High group were just totally out of control.  But that has turned around some.  We have lost some of the youth, but we still maintain a 20-25 kid average.   But not having any kind of youth program, we will lose 100%.  

From an "business" standpoint, yes, I agree .... we hired him to do a job, and according to our guidelines, he hasn't fulfilled what we expected.   But my heart says to keep him.   He's just 21 years old.  A kid himself.  But he's still  "mold-able".   He has such a passion for our kids, and I think with time and maturity,  and some organizational skills, there is real potential there.

Unfortunately, we aren't giving him that chance.   His last meeting with the youth will be May 19.   Ethan cried.   I wanted to protect him -- not let him know what was going on.  But Ethan is part of the Youth Ministry Team, and he wasn't allowed to attend this meeting, so I didn't have any choice but to fill him in on a few of the details.  

My dilemma?  this youth minister knows we had this meeting last night.  We have worked closely together over the months, and I really do like him.   He wants to know the outcome of the meeting.   All instincts tell me that I shoudln't say anything.   Let the Youth Ministry Team leader "fill him in" on Sunday.   And yet -- he is asking me point blank.  I want to tell him.  But....after he's gone, I'm still here.  And I am afraid of the repercusions if the elders were to find out that I discussed with him the details of the meeting.  

And yet, putting myself in his shoes....I would want to know, just as he does.  We knew we were having this meeting.   Maybe we should have asked them to stay around so they could talk to him after the meeting.   I dont' know.   I'm just trying to avoid an uncomfortable situation.  

The mom in me -- the "seeing good in everyone", the "give him another chance" personality I have makes this a very difficult situation to deal with.   I see so much potential in him.   Its that "catch 22" old adage -- we aren't retaining him because he doesn't have "the experience" we are looking for -- and yet, how does someone still in college gain experience?    I know I am looking at this with blinders are.  There are some very specific things that we have asked him to do, and they were don't done.   He signed a contract agreeing to do these things.   And it hasn't happened.    

I see both sides.  It just hard to keep saying "good-bye".   I was in the same "in the middle" situation with our last youth minister.   How much do I share?  how much do I tell them?   Its not that I go running to them saying "guess what -- I know something you dont' know.  Guess what so and so said about you".  Confidentality is a very big deal within the office of the church, and I do believe that if asked, our minister would rate me highly in this area.   He trusts me with confindental information.    So this meeting fall intot hat category?   But when these youth minsters ask me point blank questions about themselves and their standing in the church, in their job .... what do I do?    Saying I don't know is a lie.   And telling them is -- a breach of confidence?      I don't know.  

The bottom line is --- to pray.  God has a plan for all of us.   I do believe that God has great things in store for this special person he has brought into our lives for a short time.   I just wish it didn't hurt so much.  Or that I have to deal with my son and the loss of another "adult figure" in his life.  I know, I know.  Thats all part of life.  But I dont' like having a part in it.

Blessings to all....

While I scream.  I think it's hormones.  Or that time of year.   Or being the mom of a teenager.  Or... 

I can think of a dozen reasons.  Its just been one of those days.  And it shouldn't have.   I just decided I had had "enough" -- so I called in sick to the church today.  I didn't lie.  My heart IS beating funny.  And, I know part of it is due to not taking my dueretic like I am supposed to -- water retention in a major way.  So, I took it and run to the bathroom a million times.  There are 2 flights of stairs between my office and the bathroom, and I just didn't have the energy to try and tackle "dealing" with it at the church. 

So, for the most part, it's been a good day.  I got quite a bit accomplished, (away from the computer even!) -- and will continue to work at it.

Why do I feeling like screaming?

• My 14 year is acting like a 4 year old
• We have a meeting tonight to "evaluate" the new youth minister.   It doesn't look good for him.
• The evaluations I mailed out aren't right -- I wasn't given the right copies to copy ...but its still going to look bad on my part. 
• There were some things "mis-filed" at Job#2, and again, a reflection on me. 
• Did I mention my 14 year old is acting like a 2 year old? 
• oh....guess I did.  He's regressed from a 4 year old to a 2 year old. 

LIsting them out, it doesn't really seem all that bad.  And, it isn't.   I'm just exasperated.  Tired.  Worn out.  On edge.  Frazzled.   I needed a time out.   I took a time out.  And then this afternoon, had to deal with a teenage son who, for all intensive purposes, is as out of control as his mother.   He's a good kid.  He really is.  And I love him dearly.  But, there are days, he just totally loses it because he doesn't get his way -- and its over something really really stupid.   And so much NOT worth fighting over.  And yet, if I give in, I lose more ground than I have already lost.    I wish I knew how to turn it around.  For his sake.  As well as mine.   He IS a good kid.  But, I worry the "Sonic drink" we argue about today will be "drugs and alcohol" tomorrow.  Quite honestly, I can't see Ethan doing them -- and yet, he's a very headstrong, willful child (ah...ok. teenager), and one of these days....   I don't even want to think about it. 

I have got to turn things around -- for both of us.   Now.